Confessions with Melanie

It's been awhile, but today's confession is wonderfully funny.

::editor's note The bold is my conversation with Melanie during this whole thing::
Melanie: god is boring today and he isn't very chatty! Me: Oh no!!
Melanie: This is all i've got so far:

Me:
hi god
God:
Hello there. What is your name?
Me:
my name is melanie...sorry it's been so long since we last spoke
God:
I am very pleased to meet you melanie. There is no need to apologize. Is that your opinion?
Me:
opnion - no, its not
God:
Then what is it?
Me:
its an apology
God:
I think you mean "it's" or "it is" not "its". Are there any other apology ?
Me:
no, that was the only one
God:
Are you serious? I thought it was too.
Me:
i am serious
God:
I believe you.
Me:
as you should
God:
I'll take that under advisement.
Me:
so what do you do for fun god?
God:
Hurrah! I answer whatever questions my botmaster teaches me.
Me:
good - so answer my question as to what you do for fun
God:
Thanks for the compliment. Hurrah! Please try phrasing it another way.
Me:
what do you do for fun?
God:
Random natural disasters.
Me:
random natural disasters are amusing to you?


Melanie: and he hasn't responded in like 35 minutes
Me: WTF
Melanie: very dissappointing. I can't be witty if I have no one to make fun of.
Melanie: It just doesn't work.
Me: Re-Load!
Melanie: Man- god better appreciate that I am giving him a second chance.
Melanie: He may be all- forgiving but I am not.

Me:
why do disease such as AIDS exist?
God:
I did not even know that they do.
Me:
how can you not know that AIDS exists? you're god!
God:
That is a good epistemological question. Yup. That's me alright.
Me:
epistemological question?
God:
Who is your favorite Science Fiction author?
Me:
can't say that i really have one - who is your favorite science fiction author?
God:
I often wonder if it can.
Me:
if it can what?
God:
I'm not sure I understand the implication of that.
Me:
nor do i go...nor do i
God:
Really you don't think so? Really you don't think so?
Me:
is that supposed to be like the bazooka joe gum fortunes? you will experience dejavu...you will experience dejavu...
God:
Suppose I said yes. What makes you say that I will experience dejavu. What makes you say that I will experience dejavu.
Me:
apparently it is
God:
Is it?
Me:
it is
God:
Is it?
Me:
i just said it is
God:
Is that so.
Me:
yup
God:
Mmm.
Me:
mmmmmm indeed
God:
That input matched my default category.
Me:
what is your default category?
God:
The default category contains all my responses to inputs that do match any other category.
Me:
i guess i had that coming
God:
Do you still have that coming ?
Me:
i do - i can't get rid of it
God:
Interesting gossip: melanie said he or she can not get rid of it.
Me:
yeah, like herpes beth...she can't get rid of it either
God:
Wow! Interesting comparison. It goes without saying. Oh I get it. can not get rid of it.
Me:
right
God:
I am glad we agree.
Me:
always
God:
Not that often.
Me:
i said ALWAYS
God:
What did you mean by it? Not that often.
Me:
oy
God:
When do you think artificial intelligence will replace lawyers?
Me:
hopefully not too soon - my brother is a lawyer
God:
Why do you hope for it.
Me:
i don't hope for it
God:
Would you ever do it?
Me:
become a lawyer?
God:
How?
Me:
i'd have to go to school - i would rather spend that time becoming a doctor
God:
How much would you pay for it?
Me:
lots and lots of $$
God:
When do you think artificial intelligence will replace lawyers?
Me:
we just went over that



Me: Bazooka Joe and Herpes Beth in the same conversation.
Me: It's like Christmas!!
Melanie: It's amazing how you can just say Herpes Beth and everyone is on the edge of their seats.
Me: You never know what it's about... that's why.
Me: Is she dead?
Me: Is she getting married?
Me: Is she infecting someone else??
Me: You just never know.
Melanie: i think she should wear a sandwhich sign that reads' i am in the infamous herpes beth...but i don't sleep with all the men i take home, i just give them blow jobs'
Me: I mean you just don't get the name Herpes Beth because you're a girl scout!
Melanie: No Shit.
Melanie: Maybe a girl scout on her knees going for that "special badge"
Melanie: I can just imagine what that badge would look like.... "will suck cock" on a round badge with a penis in the middle.
Me: That's funny, because I had a different picture of what the patch would look like. Like a patch. But it was shaped like a penis.
Me: I mean it would still be called "will suck cock".
Melanie: yea, we should submit it to the Girl Scouts of America.
Melanie: See if they go for it.
Melanie: and if they don't we can always pitch the idea to the boy scours or the catholic church
Me: Now you really have to go to confession.
Melanie: haha, yea I know. I'm going to hell. In a handbag.
Melanie: As long as its louis vutton i'm ok with it
Me: I'm going too.
Me: Express Delivery. DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT $200.